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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30077997">With no-one to love you, you're goin' nowhere</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alistra/pseuds/Alistra'>Alistra</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool (Movieverse), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Punisher (Comics), The Punisher (TV 2017)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cover Art, Crack Relationships, Deadpool Thought Boxes, Deadpool being Deadpool, Explicit Language, M/M, Wade Wilson Breaking the Fourth Wall, assault as foreplay, mild loberotica, no beta - we die like Frank's loved ones</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:47:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,999</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30077997</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alistra/pseuds/Alistra</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Last time Deadpool got fucked was by Marvel: first by writing him that drop-dead gorgeous wife that would give anyone an inferiority complex to wilt the strongest boner, and then by making Spider-Man a child. Wade Wilson has done a lot of fucked up shit since February 1991, but even he draws a thick, red, angry line at paedophilia.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>
    <b>We really need to get laid if we can make moral integrity look like innuendo.</b>
  </i>
</p><p>---</p><p>Deadpool and the Punisher <strike>and the Bee Gees</strike> - it's not a ship, it's a <b>submarine</b>.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Deadpool/Frank Castle, Deadpool/The Punisher</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>With no-one to love you, you're goin' nowhere</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/roipecheur/gifts">roipecheur</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Massive thanks to Spectralarchers who didn't so much as bat an eyelash when I asked her to combine a Bee Gees cover with Deadpool and Frank Castle.</p><p>Listening to the Bee Gees' "Tragedy" while reading this fic is highly encouraged, and yes, that's where the title comes from.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <br/>
<span class="small">(Art by Spectralarchers (<a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/spectralarchers">AO3</a>, <a href="https://spectralarchers.tumblr.com/">Tumblr</a>)</span>
  </p>
</div><p class="ybox"> Oh, hi there, cherished readers. Fancy meeting you here. <i><b>Deadpool, you handsome son of a gun, you red, hot piece of ass,</b></i> I hear you say, <i><b>what's the secret of your unrivalled sexual prowess?</b></i></p><p class="wbox"> <b>Nobody</b> says that.</p><p class="ybox"> Well, they <b>should be</b>.</p><p class="wbox"> But they'd be lying. Everybody has read about the <b>fallout area</b> that is our body.</p><p class="ybox"> That's <b>bodyshaming!</b></p><p class="wbox"> Meeeh is it though? It's a <b>fact</b> that our dick looks like <b>The Ugliest Wiener</b> from that Cow And Chicken cartoon.</p><p class="ybox"> Now that's just uncalled for. Also? <b>Not wrong</b>. Well spotted.</p><p class="wbox"> Just like our <b>dick</b>. </p><p class="ybox"> <b>BADUM-TISH!</b></p><p class="wbox"> Gotta admit though, we're the only guy in the Multiverse whose look is <b>improved</b> by <b>more</b> spandex.</p><p class="ybox"> What the fuck is your point here?</p><p class="wbox"> We need to <b>get laid</b>.</p><p class="ybox"> Well. <b>Fuck</b></p><p class="wbox"> That's what I said, dickwad.</p><p class="ybox"> This <i>always getting the last word in</i> is super annoying when it's the <b>voices in our own head</b> one-upping <b>each other.</b></p><p>Aaaaaaaannyways: this is where the real story starts. Deadpool needs to get his dick wet and he isn't thinking vomit. So the logical solution is to find someone with an iron-clad stomach, someone who isn't gonna crap their pants when bullets or bodyparts start flying. Someone who isn't already getting any on the regular so that they might be desperate enough and, if wishes were unicorns, someone who can keep up with the smartass banter, but that one seriously narrows it down.</p><p>Last time Deadpool got fucked was by Marvel: first by writing him that drop-dead gorgeous wife that would give anyone an inferiority complex to wilt the strongest boner, and then by making Spider-Man a child. Wade Wilson has done a lot of fucked up shit since February 1991, but even he draws a thick, red, angry line at paedophilia.</p><p class="ybox"> We really need to get laid if we can make <b>moral integrity</b> look like <b>innuendo</b>.</p><p>Back to the story: </p><p>Deadpool's on the prowl, he's put on his least blood-speckled supersuit and thoroughly polished his katanas. Not a euphemism for once, Bea and Arthur are gleaming like the freshly pinned locks of a silver fox at a tea dance.</p><p>1970s disco music accompanies his swaggering entrance, this cool cat is turning heads.<br/>
No literally, necks are snapping, this illegal drug lab is going <i>down</i>.</p><p class="ybox"> What? 22% of married couples in the US claim to have met at work. It's <b>science</b>.</p><p>Laying down some sweet moves, this merc is turning mass murder into one hell of a fighting montage -photogenically spraying arteries and all- when suddenly:</p><p>"What. the. fuck." Frank Castle, none other than the infamous Punisher himself, is looking at the mayhem unfolding before him with eyes that are somehow even larger than Jon Bernthal's adorable ears.</p><p class="wbox"> Hi there! I'm sorry, was this <b>your</b> mob fight? </p><p>Deadpool glances around, something almost sheepish in his expression. With a sad attempt at subtlety, he pushes a sliced-off hand behind some debris with his boot. A neon tube above his head flickers, and he looks up.</p><p class="ybox"> Not a lightbulb going off, but I'll take it. Fucking <b>live-action fic writing</b>. No sense for <b>visual effects</b>. </p><p>Castle is looking around to spot who he might be talking to-</p><p class="wbox"> They always do that, and nobody considers the <b>voices in my head</b>.</p><p class="ybox"> I feel <b>discriminated</b> against, I do.</p><p>-but his gun hand is unwavering and steadily pointed at Deadpool's center mass.</p><p class="ybox"> He might be just the desperately <b>underfucked fucker</b> we need. </p><p class="wbox"> That's what I was thinking. Hey stud. Since this night's <b>vigilantism</b> seems over with...</p><p>He indicates the room full of corpses with a flourish and strikes a pose that just so happens to accentuate his best asset.</p><p class="ybox"> ...you think our <b>dick</b> is our best asset?</p><p class="wbox"> Well, it's not gonna be our <b>brain</b>, is it?</p><p>Castle shoots him right between the eyes.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>†</p>
</div><p>So admittedly, that approach didn't really work, but maybe we can still get a little workplace romance going after all.</p><p class="ybox"> Hate to break it to you, but <b>romance</b> is not really what I am looking for here...</p><p>Deadpool comes back to his senses the moment a pristinely white figure in full anti-contamination gear is moving in to probably remove the mask from his face.</p><p class="wbox"> How dare you! I haven't even got any make up on! I am <b>not</b> ready for my close-up, Mister DeMille!</p><p>The poor crime scene photographer yelps and scrambles backwards, tripping over the severed limb Deadpool unsuccessfully tried to make disappear earlier and there's a whole slapstick moment of flailing arms until they land with an unpleasant squishing noise in the mess.</p><p class="wbox"> Eww sympathies. I know how hard it is to get <b>guts</b> out of your crack.</p><p>The grim and outraged faces sat atop the uniforms surrounding him don't bode well, so as soon as he's made sure his brain is no longer leaking out of the back of his head, Deadpool decides to leg it.</p><p class="wbox"> That didn't go well, but I think <b>Ol' Blue Eyes</b> ticks all our boxes.</p><p class="ybox"> None of our <b>target audience</b> is old enough to clock that as a swing legend <b>Frank Sinatra reference</b>.</p><p class="wbox"> <b>We're</b> not old enough to get that reference! But Alis will think it's funny. I want to stay on our author's good side so she doesn't write us with leprosy of the dick.</p><p>(Breaking the fourth wall like this isn't helping!)</p><p class="ybox"> <b>FUCK</b> she made us. Quick! Let's <b>advance the plot</b>!</p><p>So Castle might be his best bet here, but the whole shooting-him-before-Deadpool-can-even-proposition-him shtick isn't all that cute. Which is why this guy, being a clever clogs, goes to sneak up on Castle when he's unarmed. </p><p>Really, who could have expected the paranoid fucker takes bubbles in his bath to hide the huge ass knife he substitutes for a rubber ducky?</p><p>It takes a hot minute to heal the literal hole in his heart - not to mention the figurative one, a guy could develop trust issues with all this casual murdering! Castle isn't dumb. He knows about the accelerated tissue growth so he isn't in a hurry to climb out of the bath, dripping suds and stark-bollocking naked. The sight takes Deadpool's breath away. Or not really, that's more due to the KA-BAR that punctured his lung on the way to his heart. But point stands, it's hot. </p><p>Castle, or <i>Frank</i> rather, since he's in his birthday suit and all, casually steps over the merc lying twitching across the grubby tile on his bathroom and pads off to places unseen. Wade -cause he's not naked but he's died on us twice and if that doesn't make you form a special bond with someone, I don't know what to tell you guys- he's just managed to tear the knife from his flesh-</p><p class="wbox"> <b>Fuck!</b> That <b>tickles</b>!</p><p>- when Frank catches him unawares enough to throw some zipties around his wrists and haul him backwards onto a conveniently placed chair. Which is where he proceeds to truss him up like a Sunday roast.</p><p>"Usually this'd be the moment I'd ask you to talk, but fuck if you need an invitation for that," says the now regrettably dressed Frank.<br/>
Wade's chest smarts. Totally from the cut knitting back up, not cause this whole prisoner/interrogation spiel is kinda doing it for him.</p><p class="wbox"> Listen, Frank - can I call you <b>Frank</b>?</p><p>"No," the fucker says, and there's a twitch to the corner of his mouth as if he's enjoying a private joke. Or maybe he just likes being contrary.</p><p class="ybox"> Urgh, he's <b>perfect</b>.</p><p>"Why the fuck are you here?"</p><p class="wbox"> Just for that.</p><p>"For what?"</p><p class="wbox"> "<b>The Fuck</b>".</p><p>Frank tilts his head like a dog trying to suss which hand hides the sausage.</p><p class="ybox"> <b>Spoiler:</b> the sausage is-</p><p>(We get it, thank you!)</p><p class="wbox"> Listen: I was gonna suggest we go for <b>tacos</b> and have some deep and soulful conversations about the superiority of <b>Keats</b> over <b>Ke$ha</b>, but at the end of the day I was hoping to at least get to fifth base.</p><p>A complicated combination of emotions flits over Frank's face, but what he settles on is "...at least?!"</p><p class="ybox"> God he's <b>cute</b> when he's confused. </p><p class="wbox"> Will you stop talking, or he's gonna start <b>shooting</b> us again!</p><p class="ybox"> I only <b>said</b>-</p><p>"Why do I feel like I'm only getting half a conversation here?" Frank interrupts.</p><p class="wbox"> Cause I won't shut up.</p><p class="ybox"> You mean <b>I</b> won't shut up.</p><p class="wbox">  He won't understand that I'm talking back at myself and start shooting us again. I hate it when they do that. </p><p>"You're talking to yourself?" Frank cuts in again, and for the first time, he looks sympathetic rather than hostile.</p><p class="wbox"> Yes.</p><p class="ybox"> Yes. <b>Bernthal</b> was an amazing casting choice. I wanna <b>lick his ears</b>. </p><p>Frank rubs a weary hand over his face before looking his bound guest up and down.</p><p>"Are you here to fight me?" he asks after a moment's consideration.</p><p class="wbox"> Prefer not to. Are you gonna shoot me again?</p><p>"Prefer not to."</p><p class="wbox"> Cause you've come to realize what a lovable rascal I am?</p><p>"Cause this is my carpet," Frank replies drily, but there's that hint of amusement again under the snark and Wade, well, Wade's beginning to think like maybe this wasn't just the next best choice among a whole lot of terrible options.</p><p class="wbox"> Great! <b>I</b> want my blood to stay on the inside, <b>you</b> want my blood to stay on the inside - see how much we already have in common! We're bonding! Or <b>bondaging</b>, but close enough!</p><p>"Last chance, what do you want here? I'm getting tired of the games."</p><p class="wbox"> I'm here to fuck you. Or be fucked by you. I'm really not that fussed. At this point a handjob will do.</p><p class="ybox"> He doesn't get it. We should have brought <b>flowers</b>. What's the flower language for <b>DTF</b>?</p><p>"And you thought I'd be up for that because...?" It's both noticeable and encouraging that Frank seems more curious than homicidal.</p><p class="ybox"> Tell him about that time Logan found his <b>gay skin mags</b>.</p><p>(See <i>Wolverine vs. The Punisher</i> (2004) Yes folks, that's actual comics canon. -A.)</p><p class="ybox"> Or the love-on Frank had for that priest, <b>Sammy Smith</b>?</p><p>(See <i>The Punisher #4-5</i> (1987) Yes, also canon. -A.)</p><p class="wbox"> Maybe bringing that up wouldn't be the best idea. </p><p>"Bringing what up?" and of course, Frank is back to suspicious, because that's what Frank does best: expect the worst of people. Wade sighs in resignation.</p><p class="wbox"> I get you Frank, I do. And believe me when I say coming here to beg for a dick up my ass, while not the <b>least</b> dignified thing I've ever done, is pretty high on the <b>admittedly long</b> list. </p><p>"The first fucking time you're being serious and it's about <i>that</i>," Frank says with disbelief, but he rounds the chair and uses that scary fucking knife that he just had a cozy <i>bath</i> with to cut the ties on Wade's wrist.</p><p>While Wade massages his circulation back into his-</p><p class="ybox"> Into my...<b>?</b></p><p>(Shut up!)</p><p>While Wade massages circulation back into <i>his wrists</i>, Frank crosses his arms and leans on the dresser opposite him, looking him up and down with a calculating expression on his face. </p><p>Wade raises an eyebrow and opens his arms. Then he opens his legs, too, for good measure.</p><p>Frank shrugs and starts smirking in an adorably lopsided what-the-hell way.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>†</p>
</div><p>"I... expected that to look worse," Frank says an enjoyable amount of time later, peering back over his shoulder.</p><p class="wbox"> Rude! But also correct, <b>continuity-wise</b>. My author is being kind because she likes me.</p><p>(I do not.)</p><p class="ybox"> This <b>dick</b> you fitted me with begs to differ, Alis.</p><p>(Stop breaking the 4th wall if you want to keep it...!)</p><p>"Are you going to just keep talking to yourself, or...?" Frank says, wiggling his ass.</p><p class="wbox"> <b>Probably!</b> But don't worry about a thing, Frankie, Uncle Wade is gonna take good care of you! </p><p>"Chrissakes, shut up and fuck me already," Frank grouses, hiding his face in the pillows, angling his hips and bracing himself.</p><p class="wbox"> Shh, that's it. Just remember, your safeword is <b>Daredevil</b>.</p><p>Wade whoops and holds on for dear life, other hand waving a miraculously materialized cowboy hat as Frank curses and tries to buck him off.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Remember to check out <a href="https://spectralarchers.tumblr.com/">Spectralarcher's Tumblr</a> for more great graphics!</p><p>Roipecheur, this was probably not what you meant when you said: </p><p>  <i>Frank: If you kiss me again, I'll shoot you!</i><br/><i>Wade: Deal *hearts*!</i></p><p>...hope you liked it anyway!</p><p>Many thanks to everybody on Discord for healthy scientific discussion of making-out-as-baseball in general, and how Wade's skin condition would affect his dick in particular.</p><p>Visual FX thanks to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/4384112">this tutorial</a>.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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